Sometimes I believe that if there is a God then it is a paranoid schizophrenic drug abusing bag lady who lives under a bridge, wearing a shoebox on each foot and lording over an imaginary button collection kept inside a jelly jar. This scenario makes about as much sense as the existence of an all encompassing being who makes up the rules as it sees fit, sometimes painting a tapestry with splashes of happy yellow and hope only to cover it up with nine layers of shit.
Now, I'm not an atheist. Never was one. I am a creature of hope and faith. I believe in....something...but I'm not too sure what it is anymore, if i really ever did know. Never one to subscribe to popular belief or whatever the good book tells me on any given day, I have spent most of my inquiring life remaining open to all possibilities, turning over the ideas that stick and dismissing the ones that don't. What I have learned so far is that if there is a "God" then it is just another fuck up like the rest of us. Part and parcel, as they say. Made in the likeness and image of us. If that is so then there is really nothing to worship but ourselves and that any surrendering ought to be done only for our own and our fellow man's benefit, not to please some fickle ideology with a cruel sense of humor.
My belief is that we are the God. My belief is that we have the miracle within us but since the beginning of time our faith has become weakened as a result of the many tragedies both personal and worldwide that have befallen our human race. Humanity has taken a beating and in our defense we have built up desperate walls of survival in the form of fear, and fear will sap the God from even the strongest man.
But as we've all seen, the spirit is tough as nails and can survive even the harshest of conditions and It is my belief that this has to do with love. It may be a tiny spark or it may be a raging volcano, but we have it within us and it is our choice alone whether to act on it. Our miracles, our faith, our ability to move mountains and destroy nations is all a matter of choice. Not God. At least not any sort of God I'd like to be acquainted with.
And who is this God anyway? Who is this supposed temperamental fuck who toys with its creations like a kid with his G.I Joes? What is this 'all loving being' who apparently has the power to create yet blindly allows innocents to be destroyed and then later is given a get out of jail free card because he "works in mysterious ways"? It's nonsense. That's what i think. It's a fairy tale we frightened humans are writing as we go, and it is dangerous in its sway over the frail irresponsible mind. In fact, this fictional character more resembles the Satan figure we've chosen to give personality to and the fact that there are so many persuasive people out there who hold the 'all-good unless you fuck up' idea over their followers heads, I'm surprised that we haven't crashed and burned into a firey fearful mess a long time ago. Then again, maybe we have and we're all just walking through fire and happenstance.
But yet we keep on. Because we have to believe in and give excuse for something. As long as we don't have to do the work ourselves. As long as we don't have to answer for our lack of belief in ourselves. As long as someone or something else tells us how it is and why things happen as they do.
As I've gotten older and experienced more I have grown to understand that things just happen, good and bad, and that it has everything to do with us and not a mysteriously moving trickster in the sky. This is not to say that there are no forces at hand and that results are simply a dice roll of chance. I think there are very powerful forces at work but i believe that we are steering this ship and that the more we can understand the controls the more favorable our lives will be. In understanding the controls I am speaking of fully utilizing the energy that surrounds us. I am speaking of allowing ourselves complete control and belief in our ability to create and NOT in trusting an outside, unseen and unreliable fluffy bedtime story.
The power remains within us. If you think fearful thoughts you'll see a fearful world. If you hold thoughts of love you'll see a loving world, or in the worst case, you'll see a world where things happen that aren't always awesome but you'll always know that you're at choice in how it affects your will.
For me, and for now, I see that it is about will. And yes it's about faith, but faith in my own stuff. It is about doing the work and not backing down. It is about holding on to my power and not giving it up for even a second. It is about not being lazy and sitting back in wait for results. It is about taking the "bad" and working within it. It is about taking the "good" and knowing that there is a whole lot more where that came from.
It is about dropping the idea that life is happening to us and taking hold of the very real possibility that it is actually us that is happening to life, and that if we don't wake up and take our power back then we are simply the ones smearing nine layers of shit on the happy and hopeful yellow tapestry.
So it is my wish for you and myself to look within and not without. It's all there in our heart and fingertips and there isn't anything anyone can do to take it from us. No matter what, no matter how hard it looks, happiness is still a choice.
At least, that is my belief. For now.