Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Yeah well. Sometimes you gotta let loose and let the pieces fall where they may.
To be honest I felt a little guilty for my last bout of vitriol. I was in a weird place and a lot of stuff had built up, causing me to lash out and attack like a snake on its last legs. Watching close compadre's going through harsh shit and not knowing how to approach it, or even if it is approachable, can be hard on the spirit. And for a sensitive heart like me who, despite all appearances and what i may say or do, that can be crushing. I take on pain and suffering like a sponge which is probably why it's so easy for me to dish it out and to be so callous and crude, especially to total strangers.
It would be obvious to say that I have learned a lot in this past few weeks, both about myself and the world above. It has not been the easiest ride getting back into the swing of writing and feeling a creative juice flowing through these veins. Just last week i started back in with the Discorder and though tuning into new music and writing about it was nice, it felt like i was dragging myself through thick mud to find words to express. Eventually it got out and i felt somewhat satisfied with the results but it is still a work in progress. Grass has grown between these fingers and words.
One of my oldest and dearest friends got married. Like, we're talking first best friend ever kind of friend material. We're talking skip school in favor of making hours of comedy/music tapes and laughing at or riffing on everything kind of friendship material. My best friend Edward got married and I was co-best man alongside Nate Zadworny in a whirlwind ceremony complete with a beer drinking brides mom in the front pew, a very late Elvis impersonating justice of the peace and a Meatloaf impersonator objecting to the wedding. It was a staggered affair that could have flown off the hinges but everyone pulled it together and a beautiful wedding came out of it. I got to see my best buddy a happy man and the lady he loves a gushing bride. It was awesome. There is a lot of history between Ed and I, not all of it is the nicest but we have made it thus far and all i ever wanted was to see the guy happy in love with himself and another, and i think the day that i saw him marry was a good one. One for the ages. Or at least a lifetime.
Summer finally came after much coaxing and a lot of frowning from folks who'd had enough of the grey and rain. But it's only a matter of time before the cry for a day of rain breaks the air, us and our fair weather relationship with the weather.
My job has become a chore and I don't like doing it anymore. Ownership changed and into the hands of 2 very sweet and well intentioned people. I love them and want to see the business succeed but i am 37 and can't stand for too much more of this shift work for chump-change shit. It's easy money and i can do it so damned well when i want to, but.....really? Really????
To be honest....I'd sometimes rather pluck an eyeball than to have to deal with the same coffee order with a side of small talk for another year. This is bullshit and were it not for a group of wonderful people who make it easier, and I am talking about customers and staff alike, I'd have quit a long time ago. But then there is that issue of easy money......it's easy. And it's money. That pays your way through life and shit, doesn't it?
I reconnected with a couple of old friends. I'm not sure if i thought them lost or on hiatus or whatever but the reconnection felt right when it happened and I am overjoyed to see how we have been able to pick up as though a few years absence never happened.
I am super in love with this girl. She makes me curl into myself and my blood runs warmer at the thought of her. We are making plans for a future and in the meantime try to do good things for each other/with each other such as renting romantic B&B places on close-by islands, talking about where we're at with each other and at least trying to listen to each other as we go through our day to day stuff. She is my "bun" and though relationships are a challenge for me, she is worth sticking it out for and i cannot deny that this last 2 and some years have been a super whirl of beauty, challenges and differences aside.
My forthright honesty and inability to censor myself has resulted in hurt feelings and misunderstandings a couple of times this last few months, mostly in written form where the intonation and energy behind is severely lost. Though i don't ever feel justified in being an asshole, i am very aware that i can be as harsh as they come sometimes and that every now and again i should maybe be with my feelings before i spill them out. It's easy when you are not face to face and especially so when you don't even ever have to see that person in real life, or if you do it's just kind of superficial and passing anyway.
I tend to forget that those who are not in the here and now tactile are people with feelings too. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I run around trolling message boards and being a jerk because I can, but there have been a couple of occasions lately where my tongue could have been far less harsh. Nothing to brag about, nothing to be proud of. But that is what being a human is about, making mistakes, learning, moving on and then upward.
I turned 37 years old. That's kind of nuts. I'm still not exactly sure how i feel about that. Good, i guess. At least I'm 37 with a much younger seeming spirit/body. I'm healthy and try to have an adventurous capacity. But i also feel 37 years old and recognize that my body is going to age and that there is a whole host of things to look out for as i grow older. Declining energy, wavering sex drive, less ability to handle partying, feeling alienated by the younger set, wanting more with my life, wanting more for/from my aging parents.
I'm not superman, i guess. Folks die, friends die, i die. We lose everything we ever worked for except for our spark and even then we most probably forget about it as we descend into drooling masses of grey and stink just waiting to shuffle off to heaven or whatever it's called. I'm getting older and "dealing with it" is an easy but harsh reality. It is also something that grounds me more to the here and the now, which is probably a good thing. You can never get too good at taking responsibility for yourself.
What else what else??
I grew my hair out and am now in the struggling stages of maintenance and upkeep. Trust me, this is a big deal for me. After 17 years straight of shaving my dome, it is kind of a treat to see how it grows in and the cool shit I can do with it. Going to good stylists and getting the treatment has been fun. And apparently i look good. This ties in a little with becoming an adult. No longer can i settle for looking like i just dropped from the sky or at best, blending in with everyone else. Not that i want to stand out and for people to notice me, but I'm at a place where it just feel so much nicer to look like i give a shit. Which is funny, because i mostly don't give a shit. I just like looking clean and presentable. You never know when you'll need to put yourself over. May as well look decent doing it.
I bought a phone. After relenting and refusing for as many years as cell phones have been in everyone's hand, i finally balked and bought in. And not just a little bit, i dove full fucking on into iPhone 4 land with the full meal deal. It's kind of disgusting actually, but i kind of love it. Faceybook and all of my pals have never been so "close".
I am taking part in a book club. This is something I have secretly wanted to do for a long time now and I couldn't have a better group of people to be doing it with. Our first assignment is Blindness by Jose Saramago. Perhaps you saw the movie based on the book? It's about a blindness. That is all I will say aside from the fact that the story is much more telling than the movie and as i get into it i find it safer to digest in small doses. Something about these bleak and seemingly helpless situations....the feeling of isolation or abandonment be it forced or otherwise. I love delving into it and seeing what kind of icky feelings it can bring up for me. One of my recent favorites in this regard was The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Bleak bleak bleak. But so good!
I also like to read happy novels. But it just so happens that i am reading a (so-far) damned depressing one at present.
And with that......
There is more. I know there is. But it is late and i am growing tired. The writing muscle is still a little under worked and i certainly don't want to force it. So I am going to stop and hope more comes sooner than later.
I've missed this. I've missed sharing with no regard for word count or care of who'll read it. This feels good and I am glad to be back.
There is more. There will always be more. I promise.
Thanks for sticking around.
And thank you I love you.