Saturday, April 7, 2012

Evolution is a 4 letter word

"In Love. Such heavy handed words. Such a supposedly "light and wonderful" feeling. So much damned weight. So many factors to consider. It's pretty difficult to admit to something that gets so easily stuck in my throat like a bone and fattens my tongue like a severe allergic reaction. It is something that i never thought I'd be able to truly say to another or feel much a part of. Not even sure if i can and perhaps i never will. I tried that once and it didn't work out. I spent half the time waiting for the foundations to crumble. 
So i swerve and get mildly uncomfortable, wanting to pull back and lock up the doors to my heart while whispering the combination into your ear really fast and only once, for even in this i hardly even have the faith of a lousy mustard seed." --N. Pike June 2007

 The word 'love' has been rattling around in my dome a lot as of late. It's not that the feeling is a new concept for me by any means and in fact I'm pretty certain that I have a lot of love to share and have for many years now, despite all former appearances. But recently it has started to mean more to me. The feeling of love has begun to take on new tastes and textures. My capacity to give and to receive love has reached new levels and quality. Suddenly there is more substance and I am experiencing it more consistently in my day to day life and in my intimate relationships. My thoughts and decisions are more rooted in love instead of fear and I am glad for this. I think it suits me far better than the crunchy coat of sarcasm and bitterness I had been wearing for far too long.
 I've made no secret of the recent changes in my lifestyle. Among those changes comes a daily meditation practice that i guess was long overdue because my body and mind took to it like strong adhesive glue. Almost two months on and I now look forward to that 20-40 minutes that i offer myself for breath and reflection. It has become a part of my daily spiritual practice and though the results may vary, I truly enjoy the boost of energy it gives and how it has quite effectively kick started a massive rewiring of my emotional thought patterns. I'm watching judgements arise yet they aren't so hardened with attachment. I'll experience a jolt of reaction to something, however big or small, and yet the clinging to my idea of it is becoming softer and in fact the reaction itself is substantially less aggressive because I'm not giving it as much power or holding on to it for so long. I am giving my grinding teeth and furrowed brow a much needed break and I'll tell you what man, It feels fantastic! It feels like freedom. In a way I guess that is precisely what the gurus and spiritual masters are talking about when they speak of liberation. Because even at this early juncture where I am still taking baby steps in a journey that is infinite, I am seeing how much more space there is for the stuff that really matters. Like patience, respect, hope, faith....and love.
Now, this is no hippy trip I'm taking you on. I'm not hanging up my raunchy humor or scathing tongue for eternally gazing at the heavens. But I'm certainly well on my way to giving up the fear and loathing. That's a tired game and it's not doing anyone a shred of good. Besides, I'm finding much more enjoyment in calming the fuck down and replacing negative emotions with the more life affirming stuff. It certainly gets me more easily through the day and I'm just not so stuck anymore. Life is still the same weird trip and bad crap is inevitably going to go down but I'm finding it easier now to avoid getting caught up in the details, and even if i do it's getting easier to step away from them. 
My heart is open and I am more in love.
This is a blessing I will never let go of again because as i get older I realize that life really is too short for this pouty, angry, judgement ridden, medicating the pain away nonsense.
While I'm still here I'd like to give, receive and express as much love as i can. 
Even if it never made a difference to anyone else, I'd have left this bag of bones knowing that I'd given my heart in everything. 
That's really all there is.

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