Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Granting myself the courage

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." ~Tony Robbins

It's been a month.....
....It's been a month!!
These four words have been tossed around in my head and across my lips a few times in the last couple of days. 
It's been one month since i have had a drink and even longer since I've smoked herb.
I feel like I should be talking about how hard this has been and how this dry spell has been hell on earth, but it hasn't been. At all. In fact it has felt like the most natural thing for me to do, first admitting to my problem and putting myself out there and then taking the steps towards changing it. 
 After i wrote that last post and outed myself there was really no going back. Some may call those last words self indulgent and one or two may have even pegged me as "crying out for attention", but I can assure you that those were some of the most important and powerful words I have ever laid out, and i certainly don't need to rely on some blog post as a sneaky means of receiving love or attention as I've got plenty of that in my life already. No, that was a means of stripping myself bare and call it what you want, that confession was a huge first step towards changing some habits that were beginning to scare the shit out of me. 

 A few months ago I didn't really think I could shift my habits around so smoothly and with such grace, nor did i really care to. Denial is a trickster and will employ every reason and excuse in the book not to change. But I literally quit cold turkey and prepared to deal with whatever fallout there was to come. There was a little during the first couple of days but I took strength in my determination and will. I softened the jagged edges of drying out and detoxing through daily meditation, yoga and talking about it with those who i felt safest and those closest to me and who have been there. Within a week i was well on my way and not looking back for a second. No meetings, no dogma, no guilt, no regrets. Just pure will and enough love for self to pull through it. And now it's been a month and I feel awesome. I have taken the time each day to sit in meditation and this has been exponentially good for me. I have always wanted to maintain a daily meditation practice but for one reason or another it had never stuck for more than a couple of days at a time and now I find myself looking forward to shutting the door and sitting in pure awareness for 20-40 minutes every day. It is making a difference in the way i move through life and each day I feel that I am moving closer to being the man that I have always imagined myself to be, and not this reactive, moody, sarcastic shit who's wrapped up in a bundle of neurosis and judgements, who doesn't feel "animated" or "fun" unless he's had a few beers under his ever expanding belt. This is not my healthy vision. This is not my reality. This is not me. 

It's almost funny to me that in this time of sobriety I feel more drunk and high than i have in my entire life. Each day is different and it may not always be smooth sailing, but at least I have taken back the power to change the things i can. And each day I feel the clarity and awareness of a cleaner body. Each day I feel the strength in a yoga practice of which I'd be crippled without. Each day I feel it in my breath, see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice and easier laughter. Each day I feel it in my relationship with Britt, which is getting stronger and more solid all the time. Each day I feel it when I prepare home cooked meals for myself and silently offer a "hooray" and pump of the fist at another few dollars saved.
Each day I give thanks for this strength, support, love, and for my unbreakable will. 
In a way I didn't think I could ever do this.....but I guess in a way I always knew i could.

Thank you, I love you!


  1. wow wow wow wow wow........ and no, thank you. I love you.

  2. So glad you're feeling good and doing well. As someone who has struggled with alcohol 'problems' I know, despite the positive feelings, how hard it can be sometimes to stick to your goals. Just be sure you have a fall-back plan and a support system for when you relapse. 90% of people who struggle with addiction and habit forming substance abuses relapse, but it's how you deal with these struggles that will set you up for success in the rest of your life.

    Congratulations on staying sober!

    1. Thanks friend, for the supportive words.
      As far as support, back up plans and relapse is concerned, I am of the 10% who will not relapse and it is because of the back up plans and the support that is already in place. This isn't arrogance or over-confidence talking either, this is just how it is and what I've chosen.
      I'm no stranger to abusive patterns and relapse as it has run in my family for years. I've seen it and it's no fun. Also, i don't play the "powerless" game. Drinking and drugging was my choice and my choice alone. Stopping and staying that way was my choice and my choice alone. There really is no other choice for me at this point. I simply feel too good and in my power to give that old lifestyle even a shred of my energy.

  3. It's proud I am! All we have power over is our choices. Freedom is recognition and acceptance of the things I can or cannot change